I’ve made it through another week. It’s been hard and my body has been in complete defiance but I made it and that’s what matters!
I had my initial consultation with the psychiatrist on Tuesday. It was quite a lengthy process, we spent well over an hour going through my history both pre FND and post. She made several diagnosis but explained that her role is mainly medication based and that she generally manages patients through anti depressants. Despite all that I deal with, I’m not what would be considered depressed or anxious. However, she believes that I may benefit from seeing a psychologist with treatment such as EMDR.
As I continue to attempt to educate myself in the understanding of what is actually happening with my body, I’m starting to see why my body has taken the score. I am beginning to see that when something traumatic happens to a person, if they have to internalise the feelings, those feelings don’t just ‘disappear’. My brain has them stored there, waiting to come to the surface. You can’t ‘trick’ yourself and carry on. It becomes inevitable that there will be a time when your brain wants to express those deep, dark emotions.
Unfortunately, my symptoms have been worse lately. I know why. I am really pushing myself to the limit. It’s not ideal but it’s just how it is. I love my job, however, it’s not a vocation that ever really allows you to pace yourself! This week, I have had two episodes of complete body paralysis. The first time it occurred was on Sunday night. I was watching one of our box sets with my eldest son and cuddling Mr Right. As I went to sit up, I realised that I couldn’t move. I won’t lie, it was terrifying. What made it so much worse was seeing the fear in my son’s eyes. I can always reassure him that it will pass but what if one day it doesn’t? He shouldn’t have to be dealing with this. His exams happen this year and I would be devastated if I affect his chances. Each time this paralysis is happening, the length of time and the severity increases. I guess you could say that I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m too ill to work but I’m not considered ill enough to not!
It’s only 2 weeks till half term, I’m praying that I make it there. I wish there was a magic wand that I could wave to go back to before. This, however, is my ‘now’ and I just have to keep trying. I have too many reasons not to!
Thanks for taking the time to read my story.
Please note that this image is not mine:http://www.makeroomformommy.com/rock-and-a-hard-place/