I have recently turned 33, I don’t consider this to be old yet I am feeling about 83!
I should be in my prime at this age. I long for the day that I can carry out a full days work without suffering! If I teach for a whole day my body punishes me. I suffer with burning pins and needles all over my body and violent seizures. This angers and frustrates me!
At my age, I SHOULD be able to work all day and look after my family in the evening. I SHOULD be able to socialise with my friends without suffering as a result. I SHOULD be able to live a normal and healthy life…
But, the truth is, I CAN’T!
I have to accept my illness, I have to listen to my body when the signs begin to show that I am doing too much. So I ask myself, “How do you change the habits of a lifetime?”.
It is in my nature to work too hard and to push myself. I want to be the best ‘me’ that I can be. If I’m honest, this has been the most challenging part of having FND, accepting that I can’t be my best at the moment. Even typing this is sadly quite painful (pathetic, I know).
All my big goals and aspirations have had to be sent to the back burner. They have been replaced with simple, small daily goals. Such as, managing to work a whole day and not having a seizure or getting through a whole week without any bad turns. Unfortunately, this is now my reality. I have to accept it and carry on.
I aim to always stay positive and focus on the good things in life, which I do 95% of the time. Then I remember that I am only human and sometimes it’s okay to feel a bit down. Feeling this way doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate all the great things I have. It allows me to reflect on what is going on and to have a little self pity. It’s important to not get overwhelmed by it and to just process what is happening.
I am going to begin another course of CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) in the next few weeks. This therapy focuses on ways to adapt your behaviour. My course will, again, focus on accepting my illness and changing some of the ways that I approach every day life to help prevent running myself into the ground.
As I mentioned earlier, you can’t just change the habits of a lifetime but you can adapt the way you approach things gradually.
I have also recently been to see the Cardiologist at my local hospital. They have found that I have an irratic heartbeat that is causing my fainting episodes. They have put me on a new medication on top of my others (yes, I do rattle when I walk lol). This is to thin my blood and then in about two months, I am going to have a procedure called Electrical Cardioversion. This involves shocking my heart to restart it and hopefully getting the rhythm back to normal (fingers crossed!). There is about a 90% success rate so let’s hope I’m in that percent!
I hope that you haven’t found this blog too negative. I always aim to keep it real and honest.
Thanks for reading!
Charlotte x x x
Please note that the picture is not mine and that I have borrowed it from another site, http://www.instituteforchronicpain.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/acceptance-road-sign.jpg