I have just returned from a week holiday in Scotland with my family. We had a wonderful time and were very spoilt. As a whole my health help up okay. I only had three fainting episodes and my seizures only occurred during the night when I was in bed.
I am meeting with my cardiologist tomorrow to review all my new results as I had several tests carried out during the first week of the holidays. Originally, I was meant to be having my operation tomorrow to be fitted with a pacemaker but just before I went to Scotland I received a letter to explain the change of plan. I was filled with mixed emotions. Obviously, I don’t want to be given a pacemaker at the age of 33 but to be honest, I just want the doctors to ‘fix’ me.
Over the past three years, I have learnt to live with and understand my brain disorder. I can read my body and know when I’m over doing it. Of course, I would love to wake up one day and not be in pain but I have learnt to accept my limitations. I have forgotten what it is like to not have a migraine, to not have burning pain all over my body but I can accept it. The problem with this new condition is that I can’t just live with it and accept it. I have no idea when I will collapse and I feel frightened and out of control. So I guess what I am trying to say is I really don’t care what the doctors decide to do, I just want them to fix this so I can just get on with my life and dealing with Functional Neurological Disorder. FND alone, is more than enough to deal with!
I am lucky enough to have been given the opportunity to return to more whole class teaching in September. I will be teaching 2 and a half days a week with rests in between. I am really excited but understandably nervous. I want so badly to be a full time teacher again. It will help me both mentally and physically. I believe that I can achieve this even if I’m living with FND but my other condition could make it a lot more difficult!
I am not a religious person, however, I have nothing against those who have faith. I would love to have the belief that there is a greater being. Someone looking out for me. I will always try my best at everything I do. I will never give in to this. I have been told by medical professionals to give up work but I really don’t think that is the answer. If I stay at home each and every day, this illness will consume me. I will continue to fight this and get back to work full time in the future. If there is a God I hope that he/she would see my struggle and suffering and give me a helping hand. I don’t ask for much, just that my children are happy and healthy and that I can give them the life they deserve. I can only do this if I work and without my health that is impossible!
If you know someone who is ill or has a chronic illness please always try your best to support them. You may disagree with some of the things that they do but as much as they will probably hate to admit it, they need you.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I am always happy to answer any questions about FND.