There’s so much that happens in a week yet it passes us by in the blink of an eye! Unfortunately , I am continuing to deteriorate which saddens me to the core.
I’m not the person who I wanted to be. None of this was in my plan. After the awful events in my past, I wanted to become a better person, a stronger person . I worked my socks off for my boys in the hope of providing them with a better life. A better future for them and for me. I’ve been knocked back over and over again. I live in the hope that one day I will be well again but instead I am getting worse.
However, I know why this is happening and I can’t continue to ignore it. Eventually, my body will just stop and then I’m no good to anyone. My natural instinct is to keep fighting, keep pushing and not give in but Functional Neurological Disorder doesn’t like to play that game. Like any other chronic illness it causes you to have huge limitations. You can’t ignore these because your body just can’t take it.
I love my job, I think you have to as it’s more of a lifestyle than just a career. The children are delightful (even the not so well behaved ones) I couldn’t imagine another vocation that inspires so much. At the same time I struggle to find another job that demands so much from a person.
The trouble and the truth of it all is that I am just a human being. I have no super powers. I am just little old me, nothing special but I feel that I need to be so much more to so many different people. It makes me feel suffocated. This feeling of needing to make everyone happy. Having a chronic illness can make you feel constantly indebted to those that help you. You want to show your appreciation and to keep everyone happy. It’s a feeling of having to be thankful for people giving up any time for you because at the end of it all you’re just a burden in their eyes. This I believe can be a huge factor in the cause of anxiety and depression in chronic illness sufferers. You can start to feel that you want to just disappear.
I know that I can’t disappear, my boys need me. The difference with the boys is that they don’t pressure me, they don’t suffocate me. They just love me and that’s exactly what I need. It’s as simple as that. They don’t need me to make grand gestures, they know when I’m exhausted and they choose to understand. It just amazes me how totally amazing they are. They’re so young yet they understand better than anyone else. I can’t describe in words what they mean to me. God knows if I was going through this and I didn’t have them to drive me and motivate me, I would have given up at the start!
If you have a family member or friend going through any type of chronic illness, please try not to pressure them. Please help them but tell them they don’t need to be indebted to you in anyway. If they tell you that they’re having a day when they’re poorly, offer help but then leave them to rest. They simply don’t have the energy to talk for ages about silly little things. At the same time they appreciate your call/visit and don’t want to seem ungrateful! Just try to put the shoe on the other foot. They are ill, please let them rest.
I hope that this blog entry doesn’t seem too negative. As always, I try my best to give an honest reflection of life with FND.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story.