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fndandmecom

Living with Functional Neurological Disorder.

Month

July 2017

Sit back. Marvel at your life.

Sometimes it’s the little things in life that mean the most. I am thrilled to say that for the first time in 4 years, I made it to the end of the school term! This may seem quite a minor achievement but for me it means so much. It means that although I’m not ‘better’, I’m getting ‘better’. I know that I haven’t beaten FND but I’m learning how to live with it and it’s not always winning! 

I have had a busy start to the holidays, getting bits done around the house and play dates for my youngest son. My older son went off on his travels to France on Tuesday. He is a very lucky boy and although 3 weeks is a long time, I’m thrilled that he has such a great opportunity! 

My health is not great but I am trying my best to pace myself. I’m still having regular seizures and paralysis. My body is trying to process everything that is being brought to the surface and I accept that. I have a long and hard journey ahead of me but I know it’s important to deal with my demons. 

I am still waiting to see my GP for blood test results but have been too busy to go. I have booked an appointment next week for that and to discuss other things. I have been experiencing problems with circulation on my feet and I’m not sure if this is related to my FND. Hopefully, I will be able to get some answers at my appointment!

So overall, things are positive for me and my little family. I’m ill but that’s okay. I know how to deal with my symptoms and just hope nothing else pops up to get me. Fellow sufferers of FND will know how uncertain each day can be but if something else crops up, I’ll be ready to take it on.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Standing on a line.

Sometimes I think to myself that I should just ‘bite the bullet’ and give up. Stop fighting and give in. That would definitely be the easy option. So, why don’t I? The reason I keep going is quite simply, I have too much to live for!

I refuse to accept that this is it, this is my life and that’s it. I am confident that there’s still so much more to come. I WILL beat this illness, I WILL get my life back. It’s not a case of ‘if’, it is a case of ‘when’.

Yesterday, I had another counselling session. These sessions are so ‘eye opening’ for me. Realising and understanding that what I have been through in the past is definitely not normal. It’s traumatic. I have been to hell and back and although I didn’t realise before, this trauma has caused my brain to shut down. I can now see how this damage could have led to Functional Neurological Disorder. 

When my symptoms first began I was in probably the best I had ever been. I was happy, stable and supported. Little did I know that my past would come back to haunt me in a way I could never imagine. My counsellor has helped me to see how this could have led to the development of FND.

My hope is that if I gradually try to ‘deal’ with this trauma perhaps this will aid my recovery. I know it won’t be an easy road. God knows I’m already experiencing repercussions of bringing all of this closer to the surface. However, I truly believe if I continue to leave these thoughts and feelings, I will never be able to recover. 

All I can say is ‘bring it on’. This journey is hard and unforgiving but I can’t and won’t give up. I have been referred to a specialist for treatment of trauma. I’m not sure if I will be eligible for it as my condition might not be ideal and it could make me more poorly. Fingers crossed, I can have it and it helps.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. 

Charlotte xxx

Hold On, Pain Ends

This week has been so hard. It’s what I would call a ‘failed’ week. I became so disheartened after doing so well the previous week despite the intense heat. I feel that perhaps this week has been a continuous repercussion.

My body and brain are distressed but somehow I have managed to function albeit for only the latter part of the week. I, once again, made the silly mistake of thinking that I just might be getting better. Only to be severely punished for trying to live a ‘normal’ life. I try to forget that I am ill, I don’t want FND to win and try to convince myself that it won’t. However, this week my battle was in vain. 

I have suffered 3 lots of total body paralysis in the past two weeks. It’s been horrific to say the least but this has happened in bed at least. On Wednesday morning on the way to work my left arm lost all feeling and became limp. My lovely friend at work could tell I was in a bad way and insisted on me going home. Thank goodness I did. My arm stayed paralysed the whole day and I went on to have several non epileptic seizures throughout Wednesday and Thursday. I was in a bad way. The pain I have experienced has been indescribable. 

My neurologist is concerned about my circulation and sugar levels and therefore has run some blood tests and nerve related tests. There’s a chance my brain disorder is causing problems with my levels so they want to rule out any other problems. 

Once again, my amazing Auntie and Uncle have been there to help me out. Also, I have been shown such kindness and compassion from my work colleagues that I was able to pull myself out of the spiral of darkness I was falling into. I managed to teach yesterday morning and then attend my son’s sports day. This was truly a miracle. I know it sounds very dramatic but if you had seen the state I was in on Thursday evening, I think you may agree.

I am not where I want to be. It’s so frustrating having to constantly fight your own body. This isn’t what I had planned. My boys deserve so much more than this and it breaks me apart not being able to provide for them the way I should. 

Unfortunately, as much as I try to stay positive sometimes I have to just let myself feel this way. It can be so hard and so lonely and just incredibly exhausting living like this everyday. The one thing that FND can’t take away from me is hope.

That magic word, hope, keeps me strong and optimistic. I have so much to live for and know that one day this dark storm will pass and I will arise from the other side a stronger person. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. 

Charlotte xxx 

The picture used is not mine I borrowed it from the following:

file:///storage/emulated/0/Download/maxresdefault.jpg

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