This week has been so hard. It’s what I would call a ‘failed’ week. I became so disheartened after doing so well the previous week despite the intense heat. I feel that perhaps this week has been a continuous repercussion.
My body and brain are distressed but somehow I have managed to function albeit for only the latter part of the week. I, once again, made the silly mistake of thinking that I just might be getting better. Only to be severely punished for trying to live a ‘normal’ life. I try to forget that I am ill, I don’t want FND to win and try to convince myself that it won’t. However, this week my battle was in vain.
I have suffered 3 lots of total body paralysis in the past two weeks. It’s been horrific to say the least but this has happened in bed at least. On Wednesday morning on the way to work my left arm lost all feeling and became limp. My lovely friend at work could tell I was in a bad way and insisted on me going home. Thank goodness I did. My arm stayed paralysed the whole day and I went on to have several non epileptic seizures throughout Wednesday and Thursday. I was in a bad way. The pain I have experienced has been indescribable.
My neurologist is concerned about my circulation and sugar levels and therefore has run some blood tests and nerve related tests. There’s a chance my brain disorder is causing problems with my levels so they want to rule out any other problems.
Once again, my amazing Auntie and Uncle have been there to help me out. Also, I have been shown such kindness and compassion from my work colleagues that I was able to pull myself out of the spiral of darkness I was falling into. I managed to teach yesterday morning and then attend my son’s sports day. This was truly a miracle. I know it sounds very dramatic but if you had seen the state I was in on Thursday evening, I think you may agree.
I am not where I want to be. It’s so frustrating having to constantly fight your own body. This isn’t what I had planned. My boys deserve so much more than this and it breaks me apart not being able to provide for them the way I should.
Unfortunately, as much as I try to stay positive sometimes I have to just let myself feel this way. It can be so hard and so lonely and just incredibly exhausting living like this everyday. The one thing that FND can’t take away from me is hope.
That magic word, hope, keeps me strong and optimistic. I have so much to live for and know that one day this dark storm will pass and I will arise from the other side a stronger person.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story.
The picture used is not mine I borrowed it from the following: