Living with Functional Neurological Disorder.


September 2017

Finding the positive.

It can feel almost impossible sometimes to look for the positives in life. There can be constant hardship thrown your way and you can start to feel lost. Life doesn’t come with a handbook but if it did, we would probably miss out on the ‘good’ bits!

It’s been one hell of a hard week and if I’m honest, it’s been a struggle! I’m finally sitting down and having a rest. Those of you who live with chronic illness would have heard of the spoon theory.
The article above gives an explanation. I have most definitely run out of spoons this week and I’m now paying the price. However, if I consider how ill I am and look at everything I have achieved, I can smile (when my facial muscles stop twitching 😂) I can feel proud of myself for actually being able to go to work. I can feel proud for trying my best to be a good mum to my wonderful boys. Despite the absolute exhaustion, I have still helped them both with homework and kept them safe and fed. I have managed all of it and I can now take some time to stop and recharge my spoons!

I am forever grateful for the strength I manage to find when everything becomes so hard. My children give me this strength as do my family and friends and not forgetting Mr Right. 

So I guess what I’m trying to say is; when it seems like the world is on your shoulders and things are never going to get better, stop. Stop and breathe. Look around you and see what you have and who is there by your side. I hope, like me, that you’re be able to see those little positives and will start to realise that some how and some way, everything is going to be okay.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx


A smile can hide a thousand tears.

A smile can hide a thousand tears. It’s certainly not very ‘British’ to focus on the negative. It’s always about the ‘stiff upper lip’ and ‘keep calm and carry on’. The trouble is, this very British point of view can be extremely damaging.

I have been finding myself in a state of dismay. The more that I educate myself on PTSD, the more I disagree with my diagnosis. I know that I have most definitely experienced some awfully traumatic things but I fail to believe that I’m ‘damaged’ as a result. Also, I really don’t ‘fit’ into the common examples of someone suffering with PTSD. My research tends to describe sufferers as emotionally numb and unable to feel normal emotions. Those close to me know that I am the polar opposite of this.

Over the past week, I have been having non epileptic seizures in my sleep. This has always happened. However, the difference this week is that I’m not waking up. My poor Mr Right is being constantly woken up by my violent seizures whilst I lay there blissfully unaware. They’ve been that violent that I think I’ve actually given myself whiplash 😕 

I’m struggling with pain more than anything at the moment. My whole body feels like it’s on fire. It’s that painful that even my glasses hurt my face and my hair tie pulls against my scalp. It’s as if my body has become hypersensitive. This, unfortunately, is quite a common side effect of FND. What I fail to understand is how on earth do I stop this? I don’t expect it, I don’t choose it so how am I or how is my brain causing it?? 

I really wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all disappear. Sadly, I think I’m only just at the beginning of a very long journey. However, if there’s a way to get through this and get my life back, I will try absolutely anything.

It’s okay to cry when I’m on my own. The whole situation is, for want of a better word, crappy! On the outside, I will continue to smile and get through each day the best I can.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Look for the good in each day.

People really do amaze me. Each and every day, people all over the world face so many hardships. Despite all this, we pull together and we fight. I guess that’s what seperates us as a species. Our inability to give up and our strength to inevitably keep going.

In the grand scheme of things, I feel that my life and my illness are not that important. However, just like so many others, this is my life and this is happening right now. 

I am currently reading ‘The body keeps the score’ by Dr Van Der Beek. It’s a hefty read but I am making my way through it and trying to learn/understand my diagnosis of PTSD. To a certain degree, I can see some relation to what the patients in the book have experienced. What I’m struggling with is understanding how this could have led to Functional Neurological Disorder. 

Believe me, I have tried and tried to overcome the symptoms that I experience. I really hate being ill, as mellow dramatic as it sounds, some days I feel like I just want to disappear. I’m angry and frustrated by what I feel. It’s not just me it destroys. I can’t work enough to properly support my family. I’m sure some people think I’m just a lazy attention seeker. It’s so far from the truth. Those who really know the real me, know how much this is destroying me. I WANT to work and I WANT more than anything to be well again!

I have just about made it through my first week back to work. After quite a disastrous summer, I’m trying my best to pace myself. I have to wait till October to start my psychotherapy and until January for the FND rehab. Until then, I will continue to try and learn about and understand what my body is going through. I will strive to look for the good in everyday. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. 

Charlotte xxx

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