A time for contemplation…

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What a time we are living in. Historical events happening in tandem. Many people have been surprised by their own reactions to the loss of our Queen. Surprised by the emotions and the intense feeling of loss, myself included!

I believe many of us are grateful to have the opportunity to say goodbye this coming bank holiday Monday. It’s an opportunity to stop, think and prepare ourselves for new beginnings. A new King no less!

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I have been on an incredibly difficult journey over the past 7 months but one that has been ultimately life changing. As my trauma therapy comes to an end, I feel as if I’m emerging from the darkness and slowly tumbling into the light.

The traumas I have suffered will always be part of me. They’re ingrained into my heart as reminders of how far I have come. The difference now, is that they no longer control me or darken every waking moment. I’m the one calling the shots. When they creep up to ‘haunt’ me, I no longer push them away, I acknowledge them for what they are… memories ❤️

A windy Coldingham Bay today

Sadly, my FND is more than likely here to stay but I’m stronger now. I understand my illness and I’m able to manage it better. I’m gradually getting better at taking note of my spoons.

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/spoon-theory-chronic-illness/

I listen to my body when it tells me it needs to stop and rest. This enables me to work and enjoy my job whilst managing chronic pain and fatigue. Trust me, this has taken me a very long time!! As a natural workaholic, I have had to retrain my brain to stop when I’m getting too tired. This is definitely not a natural process for me!

I’m extremely blessed with a wonderful family. My boys just constantly surprise me with their resilience and strength despite everything that’s thrown their way.

Mr Right stands by me through thick and thin. I’m really not an easy person to be with but he loves me nonetheless.

My wider family and my lovely friends both old and new, give me strength and encouragement and it really does mean the world to me ❤️🌎🥰

Listening to the waves crash against the rocks is one of my favourite sounds ❤️

So, here’s to all of our new beginnings. May we face them with a strength and determination to thrive and not just survive.

If you are new to my blog, please feel free to have a nose around. I started this site many years back now as a way to raise awareness of Functional Neurological Disorder. Things have improved massively but there are still far too many people being left to suffer with this horrible condition. I count myself as one of the lucky ones. I’ve had a fair amount of support but not without a bloody good fight!!

https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/fnd/

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Understanding trauma.

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It’s a terrible and sad thing to feel such anger and contempt towards your own parents. Knowing that I may only have a short time with them as we are all getting older. However, as I navigate my way through my trauma therapy, I fail to stop this overwhelming emotion of disgust.

I’m disgusted by the way they turned a blind eye to what they could clearly see was happening all those years ago.

They witnessed with their own eyes, more than once, clear physical and emotional abuse to their own child and did nothing. I was so young and vulnerable yet they simply stood back and turned a blind eye. I can not fathom why or how they could do that.

As a mother, I will NEVER allow my sons to be treated badly. No one ever has the right to treat another badly, even more so, someone they’re meant to love.

I worry now that I’m accidentally focusing my anger and hatred in the wrong direction, looking for someone I can blame now for what happened then. I’m aware of this and recognise that although they’ve let me down in so many ways, they didn’t do this intentionally. They simply were more focused on my siblings who have always been so much better at asking for help.

I’m not making excuses for them and I do feel my anger is validated but they did not wish the awful wrongs that I suffered upon me.

He’s always the one that deserves the hatred and anger but I refuse to waste my energy on thinking about him. I’m claiming back my life. Step by step, as I navigate my way through my myriad of pain and trauma. Each one like a layer of skin shedding away to be replaced with the love and contentment that I so deserve.

So, I accept and validate my feelings and where they feel the need to appear. I’m allowed to be angry and resentful, and to have my pain recognised and healed.

What I have endured, will never leave me. The awful memories will remain scratched into my heart and soul but they will no longer make me feel so incredibly sad. Instead I will work through them and process them until I’m ready to tuck them away so they no longer haunt my every waking moment.

My peace is more important ❤️❤️❤️

Metamorphosis 🦋

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It’s hard to explain the impact of trauma to someone who hasn’t experienced any. People often say that it’s unhealthy to dwell on the past. However, if you have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) your emotional centre of your brain becomes ‘stuck’ in the past. Your brain believes you are in imminent danger. This is relentless and constant.

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I have learned the hard way that if your brain doesn’t have a chance to process and accept what happened, your body will not heal and will be stuck in a constant fight or flight mode eternally. Nightmares, flashbacks and chronic pain are my daily experiences. My FND continues to try and rear it’s ugly head but through the many tools I’m developing, I’m in control now.

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Unfortunately, in order to heal from and process your trauma, you need to face it head on…

That’s where trauma based therapy comes in to play.

It’s awful, it’s ugly and both mentally and physically painful but studies show it works. This is literally my last opportunity to finally move on from the past and be happy and I’m so ready for this.

We deserve, just as much as everyone else, to be free. Free from the pain, the heartache and the awful things we went through.

So, here I am. Bring it on. Let’s do this and get ready to truly live my best, happiest life. I’m finally in a good mindset to be able to face my past head on and put it to rest.

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Wish me luck my wonderful readers. This is going to be brutal and beautiful all at once. Like a butterfly, I’m going to fly high one day and spread my wings and I hope you’ll be with me to share in this amazing metamorphosis ❤️ 🦋

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Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Change direction.

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It’s been ages since I’ve written a blog post and my goodness, so much has happened in that time!

We have moved into our beautiful new home. We are so happy here and it felt like home straight away. I feel extremely lucky to have such a wonderful place where I’m surrounded by peaceful views and a real place to escape from the business of life.

I have also changed jobs. It was a hard decision to make but I needed to do what was right for me for a change. I’m incredibly happy in my new school. It’s all very new and exciting and I’m learning new skills all the time.

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My wonderful boys are both excelling in their different pathways. My heart just bursts with pride and love for them both. I feel like the luckiest mum alive… I’m obviously biased but my goodness, I love them to bits! 😂

I fell ill this week with a really nasty sickness bug that left me stuck in bed for a few days. Whilst I was lying there feeling sorry for myself, it gave me a real chance for reflection.

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I still have a lot of things to work through and I have a great support team around me which I am grateful for. The difference now is that I am ready. I’m well enough to start to really heal my broken parts. I have gradually worked on sorting out the different aspects of my life and because of that hard work, I’m at a place where I can focus on finally getting better and moving on from my past.

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My Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) has tried a few times to show its ugly head. My pain flared up but with the help of my neurologist and fantastic new GP, I managed to get things under control quite quickly. So f@@k you FND 😂🎉

So, I guess my message is, if you are unhappy with any aspect of your life, then do something about it. Change direction. Don’t worry about what others think, what matters is what is best for you and your family. Those that love you and support you will only want the best for you.

Thank you as always for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

The hardest battle.

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It’s a difficult thing, having so many conflicting thoughts and feelings all at once. I want to be happy, I want my boys to have the best lives possible. I try so hard, I really do. I’m not claiming to try harder than any other mother, partner, person but it really is all I live for.

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I feel this darkness around me, it follows me and suffocates me everywhere I turn. I don’t want to feel like this. I despise the fact that all these years later, my past continues to rip me up and trap me in a never ending circle of despair and depression.

I know now after a lot of therapy that all the things that happened weren’t my fault, but try as I may, I still search for what I should have done or could have done to prevent the things that happened. A viscous circle of self blame and hatred continues relentlessly.

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Surprisingly, I’m actually in a better place than I was a few months back. I’m fighting this battle with my past everyday. I am so much stronger than I realise. If I look back at what I have survived, I have no doubt that eventually, I will win this war!

I’m now recognising such a strong link between my trauma and my Functional Neurological Disorder symptoms. My brain continues to try, in its strange way, to keep me safe by firing off my fight or flight responses, here, there and everywhere. I’m not sure how effective temporary paralysis is when I’m under attack but at least it tries to ‘save’ me!!

Overall, I think I now recognise just how serious and really quite horrific things were back then. The young me did not deserve any of the things that happened and actually needs some recognition for her amazing survival techniques!

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I am going to get through this, just as I got through all of those awful things that happened in the past.

I have had a wonderful summer break with my boys, Mr Right included. We’ve had so many fantastic days out and mini breaks, I feel very lucky indeed.

I’m excited to tell you that we have found our new home, unfortunately not by the sea, but perfect nonetheless. It fits what we need for our family now and I will have to just keep topping up the miles in my lovely little car 🚗 on my many trips to the seaside.

I will continue to focus on fixing my broken pieces and gluing my jigsaw back together again.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Looking for the light.

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It’s in our darkest moments that we begin to really think and process all that has happened.

I’ve hit crisis point as a result of too many constant triggers and months of insomnia. I kept trying to push all my thoughts back. I’ve tried to tuck them all away. Now, they’ve exploded out from me like a waterfall of despair.

I don’t know why my mind is in such a dark place and just want to get better. They say it will take time. I don’t have time. I’ve already wasted so much time.

I don’t choose to feel this way. I don’t want to be so dreadfully unhappy. I feel constantly ungrateful that I feel so terrible when I have so much to be happy for.

My psychiatrist tells me that I have to give my mind and body time. He says the multiple traumas I have experienced have left their mark and it’s not a quick fix.

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I’ve had to take time away from everything including work. This breaks me as I hate to let people down especially the children. It’s an incredibly difficult decision but this time, for the first time, I’ve had to admit defeat.

I’m lost at the moment. I’ve lost the essence of me, my identity has become tied in an impossible knot. Somewhere inside is the real me however I’ve spent so long playing this character that I’ve forgotten how to be real.

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The thing is, I’m more than aware how self centred my writing is today… but in order to get better and find myself, it’s time to be a bit selfish and put myself first! As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup and my cup is bone dry right now.

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This is a long journey but with my family and friends beside me, I know I will get through this. God knows, I’ve survived a LOT worse!!

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Chasing rainbows 🌈

Surviving multiple traumatic events can leave its scars. Each trauma leaves an imprint on your brain that will remain there forever. These scars are what have caused my brain to malfunction. Unfortunately, due to a mixture of circumstances I have been dealing with triggers leading to flashbacks.

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These flashbacks have led to a deterioration of my mental health and an exacerbation of my FND symptoms. I’m struggling, really struggling but I’m still so blessed. There have been moments this week where I have been taken back by the kindness of others. Little gestures of goodwill and caring words. People taking the time out of their busy lives to talk to me, listen to me and share their wisdom.

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If any of those who have been there for me over this very difficult time are reading this, I want to thank you ❤️ Just when I have felt my life crumbling around me, you’ve been there to listen and support me and it’s helped me more than you realise!

I have reached out and asked for help and those calls have been met. This has happened MUCH quicker than I expected as I had an amazing mental health nurse fighting my corner.

My regular readers will know that I have big changes planned over the coming months. The first was getting my perfect little car. It’s a diddy thing but I love it! The next step, I’m excited to say, is we are going to move house. Our hope is to be closer to the sea and we’re in the process of putting our lovely little house on the market. Very exciting times!

Some may think I’m mad constantly changing things but the thing is, I spent a long time in my life feeling incredibly sad and lived a miserable existence. The way I see it is, life is incredibly short. I refuse to let the darkness and sadness of my past ruin my life. So, I’m going to live it the way I want and do what makes me and my family happy.

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Keep chasing rainbows 🌈 find your happy 😊

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

FND Awareness- why it’s so important.

Borrowed from FND Action. An amazing charity who support people with FND.

It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog post as I’ve been incredibly busy! We have an important date coming up this coming month, FND awareness day. This day falls on 25th March 2021.

This is a chance for the FND community to have their voices heard and to spread much needed awareness of this life changing illness.

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When I was diagnosed back in 2013, I had never heard of Functional Neurological Disorder and neither had anyone else.

I felt such a myriad of emotions. I was relieved on one hand that there was no damage in my brain and that I wasn’t going to die (sounds dramatic but with the onslaught of symptoms I had, I honestly thought I was a goner!) Then on the other hand I felt lost, bewildered and confused. If there wasn’t any damage in my brain why was I having stroke like symptoms? My face was drooping on one side, I was experiencing seizures and paralysis yet my brain was ok.

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Sadly, like many other fellow sufferers, I was left for a long time before I got any help. However, I know how lucky I am to have received that help eventually in 2018. The 5 week rehabilitation programme I attended helped me to understand my illness and how it works. Although it didn’t cure me it gave me hope and the ability to manage my brain and body better.

I believe that this treatment should be more widely available around the world. Considering around 40% of patients on a neurological ward have FND, surely that should be enough to push for treatment that has been proven to make a huge difference?!?

After my treatment, I agreed to take part in an evaluation project where they interviewed me and shared this in many lectures around the UK. I am living proof that given the right treatment, a person with Functional Neurological Disorder can live a relatively normal life, when they manage their condition properly.

This is why it’s so important to continue to share awareness of this awful condition. There’s still so much stigma around FND. Even medical professionals who are misinformed can treat patients like they’re making their symptoms up or it’s ‘all in their head’. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

FND is a very REAL illness. It’s an illness that literally turned my life upside down. For me, mine was brought on by PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The trauma I experienced as a young adult caused the way my brain functions to malfunction. However, for some people, they haven’t suffered any trauma and their’s could have been set off by an injury or an operation. The cause and the symptoms can vary from person to person but the one thing that remains consistent is that FND is real and it can ruin your life.

I’m not a doctor of any sort but I have a good understanding of what caused my illness. The trauma that I experienced caused my amygdala (the emotional centre of the brain) to go into hyper mode. When I experience a trigger, this could be a smell, a touch or even a thought, my brain shoots into fight or flight mode. It believes that I’m in danger and either releases too much adrenaline which causes a seizure or shuts down completely and causes paralysis. Not the greatest defence system but ironically it’s my brain’s way of trying to protect me. That’s my FND but for others the causes and symptoms can be completely different.

A thought that often haunts me is that there are children throughout the world living with this condition, some even wheelchair bound like many others. To have your life ripped from beneath your feet in a moment is hard enough to deal with as an adult. I can’t imagine how an innocent child feels and their poor parents observing their demise.

So, please may I ask of you to help me in this challenge? Let’s help sufferers of FND and make their voices heard on the 25th March!

A little update on my current condition. Unfortunately, I’ve hit a bit of a wall. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I was making great progress with my psychotherapy but due to Covid, my sessions were abruptly stopped leaving me with a huge can of open ‘worms’. Sadly those ‘worms’ have managed to wriggle all over my brain causing an onslaught of insomnia which have exacerbated my symptoms. It’s one hell of a relapse but I’m getting it sorted. My GP has spoken with my neurologist and they’re putting together a plan of action.

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I have a wonderful life and I know how lucky I am but I can’t make what happened go away. I know that now so I’m learning how to try and accept it and move on.

I’m going to be making some big changes to help improve my mental health. It’s time to stop putting myself last in order of priority. As the saying goes you can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s time to start filling up 😊

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Thank you as always for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Merry Christmas 2020.

In what can only be described as one of the strangest years ever, I have a lot to be grateful for. My family are safe and well. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. My children have shown such great resilience and have embraced life the best they could during the onslaught of Covid 19. My thoughts go to all those who have had their lives changed for the worse because of the virus. I hope this new year brings happiness to you all.

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A lot has changed in the world of FND. Awareness is constantly improving due to the hard work of specialists, charities and support groups. Unfortunately, too many people are facing difficulties in receiving the right treatment and so the fight continues.

One of the hardest things about living with a chronic illness is acceptance that it’s around to stay. You have moments, sometimes even days, when you feel ‘normal’ and can be lured into a false sense of security. You begin to think, you hope, that finally you might be well again. Then, just like that, it knocks you flying down to remind you that you are ill and your FND is going nowhere.

I’ve mentioned many times in the past about the spoon theory. The idea that you have an ‘allowance’ of spoons to get through each day if you have a chronic illness. If you can manage your spoons correctly, you can get through each day. This works great if you can manage your time and energy well. However, if you work full time, like me, spoon management can ‘go out of the window’.

Borrowed from https://mentalhealthathome.org/2019/01/28/spoon-theory-mental-illness/

I’m blessed that I have reached the Christmas break without too many hiccups. I’m going to use this time to review my spoons and make a plan so that I can complete my job without suffering the consequences. I need to manage my time better to avoid constant flare ups!

My flare ups recently have included seizures, paralysis and neuropathic pain. My GP has increased my medication which seems to be helping and I’m continuing to work through my psychotherapy.

I can’t change what has happened in the past but I’m beginning to close the doors to the pain. We deserve to be free from all the darkness. We deserve to be happy and I won’t stop until we have put all those broken pieces back together again.

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Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Wishing all my readers a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Charlotte xxx