Sometimes I think to myself that I should just ‘bite the bullet’ and give up. Stop fighting and give in. That would definitely be the easy option. So, why don’t I? The reason I keep going is quite simply, I have too much to live for!
I refuse to accept that this is it, this is my life and that’s it. I am confident that there’s still so much more to come. I WILL beat this illness, I WILL get my life back. It’s not a case of ‘if’, it is a case of ‘when’.
Yesterday, I had another counselling session. These sessions are so ‘eye opening’ for me. Realising and understanding that what I have been through in the past is definitely not normal. It’s traumatic. I have been to hell and back and although I didn’t realise before, this trauma has caused my brain to shut down. I can now see how this damage could have led to Functional Neurological Disorder.
When my symptoms first began I was in probably the best I had ever been. I was happy, stable and supported. Little did I know that my past would come back to haunt me in a way I could never imagine. My counsellor has helped me to see how this could have led to the development of FND.
My hope is that if I gradually try to ‘deal’ with this trauma perhaps this will aid my recovery. I know it won’t be an easy road. God knows I’m already experiencing repercussions of bringing all of this closer to the surface. However, I truly believe if I continue to leave these thoughts and feelings, I will never be able to recover.
All I can say is ‘bring it on’. This journey is hard and unforgiving but I can’t and won’t give up. I have been referred to a specialist for treatment of trauma. I’m not sure if I will be eligible for it as my condition might not be ideal and it could make me more poorly. Fingers crossed, I can have it and it helps.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story.