A smile can hide a thousand tears. It’s certainly not very ‘British’ to focus on the negative. It’s always about the ‘stiff upper lip’ and ‘keep calm and carry on’. The trouble is, this very British point of view can be extremely damaging.
I have been finding myself in a state of dismay. The more that I educate myself on PTSD, the more I disagree with my diagnosis. I know that I have most definitely experienced some awfully traumatic things but I fail to believe that I’m ‘damaged’ as a result. Also, I really don’t ‘fit’ into the common examples of someone suffering with PTSD. My research tends to describe sufferers as emotionally numb and unable to feel normal emotions. Those close to me know that I am the polar opposite of this.
Over the past week, I have been having non epileptic seizures in my sleep. This has always happened. However, the difference this week is that I’m not waking up. My poor Mr Right is being constantly woken up by my violent seizures whilst I lay there blissfully unaware. They’ve been that violent that I think I’ve actually given myself whiplash 😕
I’m struggling with pain more than anything at the moment. My whole body feels like it’s on fire. It’s that painful that even my glasses hurt my face and my hair tie pulls against my scalp. It’s as if my body has become hypersensitive. This, unfortunately, is quite a common side effect of FND. What I fail to understand is how on earth do I stop this? I don’t expect it, I don’t choose it so how am I or how is my brain causing it??
I really wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all disappear. Sadly, I think I’m only just at the beginning of a very long journey. However, if there’s a way to get through this and get my life back, I will try absolutely anything.
It’s okay to cry when I’m on my own. The whole situation is, for want of a better word, crappy! On the outside, I will continue to smile and get through each day the best I can.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.