My heart and soul.

The view from my window xxx

It’s amazing how our minds can flutter. You think you are okay, then out of nowhere you’re back where you started.

I saw a quote once that said, ‘A mother is only as happy as their saddest child’. This resonates with me in so many ways.

Mothers and fathers of adult children will know how difficult this process can be. When our children are young, we are able, to some extent, fix their problems and make everything better. When our children are adults or headed in that direction, our right and ability to ‘fix’ everything for them is no longer possible.

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It’s this transition that I have been struggling with lately and my goodness, it’s horrific. It’s like someone has pierced my heart into an infinite number of pieces. I know this sounds dramatic but, you see, if it wasn’t for my boys, I wouldn’t be here today. They have literally kept me here, given me a reason to live and fight. So you will see, why they’re so important to me.

It’s not that my amazing family and friends aren’t a reason for me to fight as I love them dearly but I know that they would be okay if I was gone. My boys and their happiness is and will always be my responsibility.

Since my last blog post, I have unfortunately suffered a relapse of my Functional Neurological Disorder (FND). At first, I could not understand why it was happening but when I took time to step back and look at what I have been dealing with lately, it all started to fall into place.

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FND rears it’s ugly head for me when my brain becomes overwhelmed. I’m used to living with chronic pain and fatigue and manage to get through but when things start to pile up, my brain decides it’s time to shut down. This resulted in increased pain, seizures and temporary paralysis of my legs.

It was a very difficult decision to agree with my GP to take a few days to get things under control, however it was ultimately necessary and the right decision. I’m pleased to say things are much more settled now.

What’s important to remember when you have a chronic illness is, it is exactly that, chronic. It’s here for a long time. I always live in the hope that one day it will be gone. However, I’m yet to come across anyone who has completely got rid of FND, I know how lucky I am to be where I am right now and for that I am extremely grateful. It would just be amazing to wake up one day and have everything gone. To be normal again.

Those who know me well will know that I will never give up. Whilst my heart is still beating, I will make it my sole purpose to be the best person I can be.

Look for glimmers ❤️

I will love and care for my family and friends passionately and I will fight my FND and always win eventually.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

The night before school.

Fresh air today with a bit of birdwatching. Lucky this is around the corner !

It was the night before school, when all through the house, Charlotte was stirring and the cat gifted her a mouse 🤪😂

Our new cat, Chaplin 🐱

Today is the last day of my school holidays. Tomorrow morning, will mark the beginning of the Autumn school term in Scotland.

I have been extremely lucky to have had a wonderful break, it’s been full of ups and downs but that’s how the cookie crumbles!

I had an amazing holiday to Croatia with my Mr Right and my two grown up children. We experienced such wonderful things.

Views in Croatia 🇭🇷

Beautiful sunset on our dolphin tour.

I have had time to catch up with friends and family which is always lovely.

The downs have been difficult but are always inevitable. One of my close family members has been very poorly and gave us all a scare but thankfully they’re still here and heading in the right direction. Another close family member has been dealing with a huge, life changing transition which I am trying my best to support them through.

This is of course, life. Life is never one way or the other, it’s constantly evolving and changing. I’m grateful for the good times and I try my best to always learn from the bad times.

As expected, my FND (Functional Neurological Disorder) has fluctuated throughout the last few weeks. I have had moments of feeling rested and well. Then, on the flip side, when I become less busy, I begin to become more aware of my pain. This is mostly neuropathy (nerve pain) and migraines.

https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/brain-nerves-and-spinal-cord/peripheral-neuropathy

When living with a chronic illness like FND, you can never fully be free. Just when you think you might be well again, symptoms appear. It’s as if it likes to remind you that it’s there. However, I’m quite a veteran of this game and I know how to manage my symptoms when I have a flare up. Although I have had some difficult days, I’m back in control again. So, up yours FND!! I win, you lose 💪🏻

https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/brain-nerves-and-spinal-cord/functional-neurological-disorder

This summer has been quite a transition as my youngest son has moved on to socialising with his friends a lot more so I’m suddenly left with a lot more free time than ever before. Some might say that it’s fantastic but I have found it quite difficult. This is all part of the process and I will eventually adjust, it’s just strange as I have never been alone in my whole adult life. Next summer, I will be more prepared and can plan accordingly.

There’s been awful, hateful comments made towards some of those who are part of the FND community recently. The most shocking part is that a lot has come from other chronically ill individuals. This really saddens me. No one ever wants to be ill. It’s not a life anyone would choose. You can’t compare one condition or one person’s experiences to another. We are all human and just trying to survive and live the best lives we can with the hand we are dealt. Please be kind.

I’m looking forward to getting back to routine tomorrow. I’m lucky to be part of an amazing team and will be forever grateful that I have this opportunity.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

A time for contemplation…

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What a time we are living in. Historical events happening in tandem. Many people have been surprised by their own reactions to the loss of our Queen. Surprised by the emotions and the intense feeling of loss, myself included!

I believe many of us are grateful to have the opportunity to say goodbye this coming bank holiday Monday. It’s an opportunity to stop, think and prepare ourselves for new beginnings. A new King no less!

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I have been on an incredibly difficult journey over the past 7 months but one that has been ultimately life changing. As my trauma therapy comes to an end, I feel as if I’m emerging from the darkness and slowly tumbling into the light.

The traumas I have suffered will always be part of me. They’re ingrained into my heart as reminders of how far I have come. The difference now, is that they no longer control me or darken every waking moment. I’m the one calling the shots. When they creep up to ‘haunt’ me, I no longer push them away, I acknowledge them for what they are… memories ❤️

A windy Coldingham Bay today

Sadly, my FND is more than likely here to stay but I’m stronger now. I understand my illness and I’m able to manage it better. I’m gradually getting better at taking note of my spoons.

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/spoon-theory-chronic-illness/

I listen to my body when it tells me it needs to stop and rest. This enables me to work and enjoy my job whilst managing chronic pain and fatigue. Trust me, this has taken me a very long time!! As a natural workaholic, I have had to retrain my brain to stop when I’m getting too tired. This is definitely not a natural process for me!

I’m extremely blessed with a wonderful family. My boys just constantly surprise me with their resilience and strength despite everything that’s thrown their way.

Mr Right stands by me through thick and thin. I’m really not an easy person to be with but he loves me nonetheless.

My wider family and my lovely friends both old and new, give me strength and encouragement and it really does mean the world to me ❤️🌎🥰

Listening to the waves crash against the rocks is one of my favourite sounds ❤️

So, here’s to all of our new beginnings. May we face them with a strength and determination to thrive and not just survive.

If you are new to my blog, please feel free to have a nose around. I started this site many years back now as a way to raise awareness of Functional Neurological Disorder. Things have improved massively but there are still far too many people being left to suffer with this horrible condition. I count myself as one of the lucky ones. I’ve had a fair amount of support but not without a bloody good fight!!

https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/fnd/

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Understanding trauma.

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It’s a terrible and sad thing to feel such anger and contempt towards your own parents. Knowing that I may only have a short time with them as we are all getting older. However, as I navigate my way through my trauma therapy, I fail to stop this overwhelming emotion of disgust.

I’m disgusted by the way they turned a blind eye to what they could clearly see was happening all those years ago.

They witnessed with their own eyes, more than once, clear physical and emotional abuse to their own child and did nothing. I was so young and vulnerable yet they simply stood back and turned a blind eye. I can not fathom why or how they could do that.

As a mother, I will NEVER allow my sons to be treated badly. No one ever has the right to treat another badly, even more so, someone they’re meant to love.

I worry now that I’m accidentally focusing my anger and hatred in the wrong direction, looking for someone I can blame now for what happened then. I’m aware of this and recognise that although they’ve let me down in so many ways, they didn’t do this intentionally. They simply were more focused on my siblings who have always been so much better at asking for help.

I’m not making excuses for them and I do feel my anger is validated but they did not wish the awful wrongs that I suffered upon me.

He’s always the one that deserves the hatred and anger but I refuse to waste my energy on thinking about him. I’m claiming back my life. Step by step, as I navigate my way through my myriad of pain and trauma. Each one like a layer of skin shedding away to be replaced with the love and contentment that I so deserve.

So, I accept and validate my feelings and where they feel the need to appear. I’m allowed to be angry and resentful, and to have my pain recognised and healed.

What I have endured, will never leave me. The awful memories will remain scratched into my heart and soul but they will no longer make me feel so incredibly sad. Instead I will work through them and process them until I’m ready to tuck them away so they no longer haunt my every waking moment.

My peace is more important ❤️❤️❤️

Metamorphosis 🦋

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It’s hard to explain the impact of trauma to someone who hasn’t experienced any. People often say that it’s unhealthy to dwell on the past. However, if you have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) your emotional centre of your brain becomes ‘stuck’ in the past. Your brain believes you are in imminent danger. This is relentless and constant.

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I have learned the hard way that if your brain doesn’t have a chance to process and accept what happened, your body will not heal and will be stuck in a constant fight or flight mode eternally. Nightmares, flashbacks and chronic pain are my daily experiences. My FND continues to try and rear it’s ugly head but through the many tools I’m developing, I’m in control now.

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Unfortunately, in order to heal from and process your trauma, you need to face it head on…

That’s where trauma based therapy comes in to play.

It’s awful, it’s ugly and both mentally and physically painful but studies show it works. This is literally my last opportunity to finally move on from the past and be happy and I’m so ready for this.

We deserve, just as much as everyone else, to be free. Free from the pain, the heartache and the awful things we went through.

So, here I am. Bring it on. Let’s do this and get ready to truly live my best, happiest life. I’m finally in a good mindset to be able to face my past head on and put it to rest.

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Wish me luck my wonderful readers. This is going to be brutal and beautiful all at once. Like a butterfly, I’m going to fly high one day and spread my wings and I hope you’ll be with me to share in this amazing metamorphosis ❤️ 🦋

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Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Change direction.

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It’s been ages since I’ve written a blog post and my goodness, so much has happened in that time!

We have moved into our beautiful new home. We are so happy here and it felt like home straight away. I feel extremely lucky to have such a wonderful place where I’m surrounded by peaceful views and a real place to escape from the business of life.

I have also changed jobs. It was a hard decision to make but I needed to do what was right for me for a change. I’m incredibly happy in my new school. It’s all very new and exciting and I’m learning new skills all the time.

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My wonderful boys are both excelling in their different pathways. My heart just bursts with pride and love for them both. I feel like the luckiest mum alive… I’m obviously biased but my goodness, I love them to bits! 😂

I fell ill this week with a really nasty sickness bug that left me stuck in bed for a few days. Whilst I was lying there feeling sorry for myself, it gave me a real chance for reflection.

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I still have a lot of things to work through and I have a great support team around me which I am grateful for. The difference now is that I am ready. I’m well enough to start to really heal my broken parts. I have gradually worked on sorting out the different aspects of my life and because of that hard work, I’m at a place where I can focus on finally getting better and moving on from my past.

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My Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) has tried a few times to show its ugly head. My pain flared up but with the help of my neurologist and fantastic new GP, I managed to get things under control quite quickly. So f@@k you FND 😂🎉

So, I guess my message is, if you are unhappy with any aspect of your life, then do something about it. Change direction. Don’t worry about what others think, what matters is what is best for you and your family. Those that love you and support you will only want the best for you.

Thank you as always for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

The hardest battle.

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It’s a difficult thing, having so many conflicting thoughts and feelings all at once. I want to be happy, I want my boys to have the best lives possible. I try so hard, I really do. I’m not claiming to try harder than any other mother, partner, person but it really is all I live for.

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I feel this darkness around me, it follows me and suffocates me everywhere I turn. I don’t want to feel like this. I despise the fact that all these years later, my past continues to rip me up and trap me in a never ending circle of despair and depression.

I know now after a lot of therapy that all the things that happened weren’t my fault, but try as I may, I still search for what I should have done or could have done to prevent the things that happened. A viscous circle of self blame and hatred continues relentlessly.

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Surprisingly, I’m actually in a better place than I was a few months back. I’m fighting this battle with my past everyday. I am so much stronger than I realise. If I look back at what I have survived, I have no doubt that eventually, I will win this war!

I’m now recognising such a strong link between my trauma and my Functional Neurological Disorder symptoms. My brain continues to try, in its strange way, to keep me safe by firing off my fight or flight responses, here, there and everywhere. I’m not sure how effective temporary paralysis is when I’m under attack but at least it tries to ‘save’ me!!

Overall, I think I now recognise just how serious and really quite horrific things were back then. The young me did not deserve any of the things that happened and actually needs some recognition for her amazing survival techniques!

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I am going to get through this, just as I got through all of those awful things that happened in the past.

I have had a wonderful summer break with my boys, Mr Right included. We’ve had so many fantastic days out and mini breaks, I feel very lucky indeed.

I’m excited to tell you that we have found our new home, unfortunately not by the sea, but perfect nonetheless. It fits what we need for our family now and I will have to just keep topping up the miles in my lovely little car 🚗 on my many trips to the seaside.

I will continue to focus on fixing my broken pieces and gluing my jigsaw back together again.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Looking for the light.

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It’s in our darkest moments that we begin to really think and process all that has happened.

I’ve hit crisis point as a result of too many constant triggers and months of insomnia. I kept trying to push all my thoughts back. I’ve tried to tuck them all away. Now, they’ve exploded out from me like a waterfall of despair.

I don’t know why my mind is in such a dark place and just want to get better. They say it will take time. I don’t have time. I’ve already wasted so much time.

I don’t choose to feel this way. I don’t want to be so dreadfully unhappy. I feel constantly ungrateful that I feel so terrible when I have so much to be happy for.

My psychiatrist tells me that I have to give my mind and body time. He says the multiple traumas I have experienced have left their mark and it’s not a quick fix.

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I’ve had to take time away from everything including work. This breaks me as I hate to let people down especially the children. It’s an incredibly difficult decision but this time, for the first time, I’ve had to admit defeat.

I’m lost at the moment. I’ve lost the essence of me, my identity has become tied in an impossible knot. Somewhere inside is the real me however I’ve spent so long playing this character that I’ve forgotten how to be real.

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The thing is, I’m more than aware how self centred my writing is today… but in order to get better and find myself, it’s time to be a bit selfish and put myself first! As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup and my cup is bone dry right now.

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This is a long journey but with my family and friends beside me, I know I will get through this. God knows, I’ve survived a LOT worse!!

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx

Chasing rainbows 🌈

Surviving multiple traumatic events can leave its scars. Each trauma leaves an imprint on your brain that will remain there forever. These scars are what have caused my brain to malfunction. Unfortunately, due to a mixture of circumstances I have been dealing with triggers leading to flashbacks.

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These flashbacks have led to a deterioration of my mental health and an exacerbation of my FND symptoms. I’m struggling, really struggling but I’m still so blessed. There have been moments this week where I have been taken back by the kindness of others. Little gestures of goodwill and caring words. People taking the time out of their busy lives to talk to me, listen to me and share their wisdom.

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If any of those who have been there for me over this very difficult time are reading this, I want to thank you ❤️ Just when I have felt my life crumbling around me, you’ve been there to listen and support me and it’s helped me more than you realise!

I have reached out and asked for help and those calls have been met. This has happened MUCH quicker than I expected as I had an amazing mental health nurse fighting my corner.

My regular readers will know that I have big changes planned over the coming months. The first was getting my perfect little car. It’s a diddy thing but I love it! The next step, I’m excited to say, is we are going to move house. Our hope is to be closer to the sea and we’re in the process of putting our lovely little house on the market. Very exciting times!

Some may think I’m mad constantly changing things but the thing is, I spent a long time in my life feeling incredibly sad and lived a miserable existence. The way I see it is, life is incredibly short. I refuse to let the darkness and sadness of my past ruin my life. So, I’m going to live it the way I want and do what makes me and my family happy.

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Keep chasing rainbows 🌈 find your happy 😊

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Charlotte xxx